Finding your roar: learning to set boundaries and use your voice

Safety. We are all desperate for it. It is engrained into our fibers from infancy to find safety. It’s why infants cry out to alert their caregivers and it’s why you find yourself in an endless loop of unhealthy behaviors within your relationships.

This endless loop takes many forms, but for the sake of this conversation, I’d like to focus on the endless loop of being voiceless. Have you felt this? The denial of your own opinions, the tendency to please others, the fear of what it means to “rock the boat” or “upset the applecart”.

Your fear is rooted in feeling unsafe if you decide to speak up. Maybe it’s a fear of abandonment. Maybe it’s a fear of getting hurt physically or emotionally. Maybe you’ll truly be at risk. Whatever the reason may be, did you realize that, at its core, not using your voice means that you aren’t honoring your boundaries?

Over time, you have learned covertly or overtly that your boundaries aren’t worth honoring, but I am here to advocate for you and tell you they are. You are worth honoring. It starts with understanding where you have silenced yourself and why. What are your fears? What are your longings? More importantly, how are you living as though the present is actually the past?

I’m brought to the scene in The Lion King as Simba attempts to roar, but lets out a small and unimpressive “meow”. His father comes to his rescue, letting out a roar that echoes, scaring off the hyenas who were threatening Simba’s life. This set him up to remember what it means to ROAR. Unfortunately, not everyone has that kind of example to go back to. Many have felt the sting of being left alone, learning that backing down is the only way to survive.

So, what do we do? It seems hopeless and scary. However, once we have an understanding of where we have silenced ourselves, we can begin to establish boundaries. And boundaries are what will help us truly protect ourselves. This doesn’t mean it will feel comfortable. It doesn’t mean that it will be received well. In reality, it probably won’t. And that’s okay.

It’s important to remember that boundaries are not necessarily walls. Boundaries are like fences with a gate, where you are in charge of when it is open or shut. This means that a ROAR doesn’t have to be aggressive or disrespectful. To use your ROAR means you are finally choosing to advocate for yourself. It means you are truly honest about your needs (not just denying them or lashing out at a friend or partner for not fulfilling them). It means you know your worth.

Maybe you find yourself having more of a “meow” right now. If so, therapy might be the best way for you to have a safe space to practice your ROAR. It can be comforting to know that you don’t have to do it alone.

What step can you take today to find your ROAR?